Movies to remake

Andrew shot me a link to a story on how they plan on remaking the original Highlander film. My previous post about the planned Red Dawn and Robocop remakes, combined with the Highlander news got me thinking. If we can’t stop Hollywood from remaking movies, why not come up with movies that they should remake?

1. Breakin’. This movie is just begging for a remake. This 1984 film is famous simply because it was a major mainstream film to take advantage of the break dancing craze that blew up in the early 80s and for the fact that a pre-Bloodsport Jean-Claude Van Damme appears as an extra during one of the scenes. As cheesy as the movie is, it was arguably ahead of its time. In recent years, we’ve had tons of ‘urban’ dance films, including Save the Last Dance, Step Up, You Got Served, and other mind numbing debacles. So Hollywood, why not remake Breakin’? But do it with Asians. Especially Filipinos. There’s no shortage of Filipino kids in California that could be cast in a Breakin’ remake. Hell, I probably have a couple cousins that can be in it. But be sure to reuse the main character names from the original film. I want to be able to look up to great break dancing role models named ‘Turbo’ and ‘Ozone’. After remaking Breakin’, that leads into the remake of Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Keep the title. I’d pay money to watch a movie with the secondary title of ‘Electric Boogaloo’.

2. Top Gun. Yes, a remake of Top Gun will totally work. I was a huge fan of the movie when I was younger. After watching that movie for the first time, I dreamed of being behind the cockpit of a fighter plane and getting to hook up with a great looking blonde woman. Unfortunately, watching the movie now, I see all the homoerotic subtext underneath testosterone driven action. It’s obvious that Maverick was really in love with Goose and Charlie (Kelly McGillis – interesting how her character has a ‘masculine’ name) was simply a distraction confusing Maverick. Why all the subtlety? Today is a more homosexual aware society. The military shouldn’t follow the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” mantra. A Top Gun remake could be totally gay-centric, ala Brokeback Mountain. The final scene on the carrier deck where Iceman greets Maverick on the deck after defeating the enemy and Iceman tells Maverick that he can be Iceman’s ‘wingman’ anytime, it could be changed up to where they simply start making out and it cuts to their wedding back in California. Which is perfect now that gay marriages are legal in this State. Call it Top Gun: Brokeback Skies. It will make beaucoup bucks. And yes, I’m all for gay marriage. I’m certainly not against it.

3. The Karate Kid. Even I’m a bit hesitant about putting ‘remake’ and “The Karate Kid” in the same sentence. But this could be redone to be more consistent with current day martial arts trends. The original premise has Daniel Larusso, a young high school boy who moves to California from New Jersey, but ends up having issues with the kids at his new school trying to fit in. Daniel ends up getting his ass kicked and his Japanese apartment maintenance man ends up taking him in and teaching him karate so Daniel can stop getting his ass beat. That worked for 1984. In 2008, that would be a lot different. Instead of learning karate, the main character in The Karate Kid remake will learn mixed martial arts from some Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu master whose family learned, mastered, and taught Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu for the last six centuries. And instead of some local Karate tournament that the main character has to enter in order to challenge his tormentors, the remake would incorporate some hypothetical UFC regional tournament, and thus, be able to advertise the UFC franchise. You know you see dollar signs with this idea. Considering they’re thinking about remaking a Street Fighter live action, they could combine a Karate Kid and Street Fighter remake and have the main character being trained by Blanka and the ‘undefensible’ move he uses at the end of the movie to win the tournament could be the electrical discharge/forcefield instead of the “Crane Kick”.

4. Brewster’s Millions. This Richard Pryor comedy from 1985 was actually a remake of a remake of a remake of a remake. No, that’s not a typo. The original film was even an adaptation of a book. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the 1985 version, the film’s premise involves a man whose uncle passes away and leaves $300 million to him. The only catch is that he has to spend $30 million in 30 days completely, without any resulting assets or property, otherwise, he will not get the $300 mil. This concept would take a total different angle in current time. Using an inflation calculator on the web, $30 mil in 1985 comes out to about $59 mil in 2007. So remake Brewster’s Millions where the character has $60 million to spend in 60 days to inherit $600 million. The real difference between the original and a remake would be the fact that there are simply more ways to waste money today, than back in 1985. Today, you hear about celebrities that pay $25K just to have a steak dinner flown to New York City from London or paying $500K to throw themselves a birthday party. On second thought, maybe this remake wouldn’t be a great idea. It might end up being a 2 hour documentary on Paris Hilton.

Anyway, there are some of my movie remake ideas. I tried to stay with stuff from the 80s, since it just so happens that most of the remake ideas being tossed around Hollywood are of films from the 80s. Thus taking a long proverbial piss on my childhood. If Hollywood is going to continue drop huge steamers on the wonderful decade of the 80s, I may as well join in.